Selfishness

If I’m honest, I am a selfish person. I am a selfish Mother, Partner, and Friend. This doesn’t mean I intentionally only think of myself first and foremost. It’s just…I don’t think. I don’t put myself in the shoes of everyone. I struggle with mental illness, and for decades I have trained my mind and body to focus on getting through the day intact. The problem with that, is I have perfected my coping skill so well, that I now barely ever take that big step back. I never think of time in weeks or months. I think of time by minutes and hours. Why? Because I never know what my state of mind I will be in the next hour, the next day. I feel too guilty and worthless to cancel plans.

With that state of mind, everything I do is on impulse. There is no planning because I don’t trust myself. I feel as if I blink and the day is gone. More than anything I don’t want these years at home with my girls to be gone in a blink. I don’t want to look back one day and realize I have no memories to hold onto.

I have thought very hard on ways to get out of this selfish thinking. I know I can be better. It will take considerable effort, but I will get out of the “One day at a time” mentality.  These are some ideas I have come up with.

FRIENDS:

  • Connect with old friends
  • Message current ones often
  • Make plans monthly with each friend, either individually or as a group
  • Do something unexpected for them monthly
  • Do not ask for more than one favor a month per friend. Only ask small favors.

 

PARTNER:

  • Ask about his day
  • Offer to be a test-student for his lesson plans
  • Say I love you first everyday
  • Send more texts throughout the day
  • Arrange for date nights monthly
  • Be more intimate

 

MOTHER:

  • No phone unless necessary
  • Art/Crafts time daily
  • Leave house daily
  • Get them dressed daily (all three seem to hate wearing clothes, and I have been allowing them to run around in diapers all day)
  • Have three square meals AT the kitchen table, and two snack times between meals

I will start with these. Hopefully after enough time, it will become second nature to do all of the above. Then I will push myself further.

 

One Comment Add yours

  1. Kelly Boyt says:

    Brave to tell your self awareness of traits you would like to change. Most of us don’t want to look that deep into our own self perceived weaknesses.

    Liked by 1 person

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