Selfishness

If I’m honest, I am a selfish person. I am a selfish Mother, Partner, and Friend. This doesn’t mean I intentionally only think of myself first and foremost. It’s just…I don’t think. I don’t put myself in the shoes of everyone. I struggle with mental illness, and for decades I have trained my mind and body to focus on getting through the day intact. The problem with that, is I have perfected my coping skill so well, that I now barely ever take that big step back. I never think of time in weeks or months. I think of time by minutes and hours. Why? Because I never know what my state of mind I will be in the next hour, the next day. I feel too guilty and worthless to cancel plans.

With that state of mind, everything I do is on impulse. There is no planning because I don’t trust myself. I feel as if I blink and the day is gone. More than anything I don’t want these years at home with my girls to be gone in a blink. I don’t want to look back one day and realize I have no memories to hold onto.

I have thought very hard on ways to get out of this selfish thinking. I know I can be better. It will take considerable effort, but I will get out of the “One day at a time” mentality.  These are some ideas I have come up with.

FRIENDS:

• Connect with old friends
• Message current ones often
• Make plans monthly with each friend, either individually or as a group
• Do something unexpected for them monthly
• Do not ask for more than one favor a month per friend. Only ask small favors.

 

PARTNER:

• Ask about his day
• Offer to be a test-student for his lesson plans
• Say I love you first everyday
• Send more texts throughout the day
• Arrange for date nights monthly
• Be more intimate

 

MOTHER:

• No phone unless necessary
• Art/Crafts time daily
• Leave house daily
• Get them dressed daily (all three seem to hate wearing clothes, and I have been allowing them to run around in diapers all day)
• Have three square meals AT the kitchen table, and two snack times between meals

I will start with these. Hopefully after enough time, it will become second nature to do all of the above. Then I will push myself further.