If I’m honest, I am a selfish person. I am a selfish Mother, Partner, and Friend. This doesn’t mean I intentionally only think of myself first and foremost. It’s just…I don’t think. I don’t put myself in the shoes of everyone. I struggle with mental illness, and for decades I have trained my mind and body to focus on getting through the day intact. The problem with that, is I have perfected my coping skill so well, that I now barely ever take that big step back. I never think of time in weeks or months. I think of time by minutes and hours. Why? Because I never know what my state of mind I will be in the next hour, the next day. I feel too guilty and worthless to cancel plans.
With that state of mind, everything I do is on impulse. There is no planning because I don’t trust myself. I feel as if I blink and the day is gone. More than anything I don’t want these years at home with my girls to be gone in a blink. I don’t want to look back one day and realize I have no memories to hold onto.
I have thought very hard on ways to get out of this selfish thinking. I know I can be better. It will take considerable effort, but I will get out of the “One day at a time” mentality. These are some ideas I have come up with.
I will start with these. Hopefully after enough time, it will become second nature to do all of the above. Then I will push myself further.