Selfishness

If I’m honest, I am a selfish person. I am a selfish Mother, Partner, and Friend. This doesn’t mean I intentionally only think of myself first and foremost. It’s just…I don’t think. I don’t put myself in the shoes of everyone. I struggle with mental illness, and for decades I have trained my mind and body to focus on getting through the day intact. The problem with that, is I have perfected my coping skill so well, that I now barely ever take that big step back. I never think of time in weeks or months. I think of time by minutes and hours. Why? Because I never know what my state of mind I will be in the next hour, the next day. I feel too guilty and worthless to cancel plans.

With that state of mind, everything I do is on impulse. There is no planning because I don’t trust myself. I feel as if I blink and the day is gone. More than anything I don’t want these years at home with my girls to be gone in a blink. I don’t want to look back one day and realize I have no memories to hold onto.

I have thought very hard on ways to get out of this selfish thinking. I know I can be better. It will take considerable effort, but I will get out of the “One day at a time” mentality.  These are some ideas I have come up with.

FRIENDS:

  • Connect with old friends
  • Message current ones often
  • Make plans monthly with each friend, either individually or as a group
  • Do something unexpected for them monthly
  • Do not ask for more than one favor a month per friend. Only ask small favors.

 

PARTNER:

  • Ask about his day
  • Offer to be a test-student for his lesson plans
  • Say I love you first everyday
  • Send more texts throughout the day
  • Arrange for date nights monthly
  • Be more intimate

 

MOTHER:

  • No phone unless necessary
  • Art/Crafts time daily
  • Leave house daily
  • Get them dressed daily (all three seem to hate wearing clothes, and I have been allowing them to run around in diapers all day)
  • Have three square meals AT the kitchen table, and two snack times between meals

I will start with these. Hopefully after enough time, it will become second nature to do all of the above. Then I will push myself further.

 

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One comment

  1. Brave to tell your self awareness of traits you would like to change. Most of us don’t want to look that deep into our own self perceived weaknesses.

    Liked by 1 person

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