I’m Coming Back

It’s been… I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve faced the hardest year of my life, and even now I feel like each day is a fight to just stay conscious. My health has deteriorated, my relationships have suffered, and my family has been pushed to the limit. But I’m here. My family is here by my side and each morning is another day I get to try and thrive. Last year my goal each day was to to survive the day, nothing more. There were days when that almost didn’t happen, but now my goal is to thrive each day. To DO something. Make my girls laugh, share a romantic smile with my husband, play with the dog, leave the house, all of these are a decision I have to convince myself to do. To thrive is to ignore the pull to my bed, to pretend the voices aren’t bashing what little self image I have left. This struggle has changed my views on nearly every facet of my life. My role as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, patient, and etc have all been changed. They continue to change everyday. There are a lot of people who have helped me through all of this, and they’ve had to learn to handle and understand more than I thought anyone would ever be capable of. It’s a learning experience, and in it I’m learning there’s a whole hell of a lot more to me than I once thought. When I pray, I pray for the strength to recognize my strength. And it’s been working. Through The Mother I can sit back and see all that I do for my children, and see the strength it takes. I can step back and watch my interactions with my husband and see how much lighter and fun they are. And I can see the strength in that. I can see the strength and what it cost to put this blog aside for so long. My mind always wandered back to it. I felt like I was neglecting a part of myself. This journey to the Goddess is very important to me, and writing has always been the easiest way for me to express the multitude of emotions inside me. But instead of staying up late blogging, I went to bed early for sleep I knew I needed. I took the time to heal, and then gave myself a chance to start my studies up again. It’s not a lot, but it’s a beginning. And the mere fact that I am at my computer, once again, typing a post, makes me more happy than I’ve been in a long time. The Goddess saved my life this past year, and through my studies and writing I plan on continuing the healing. I’ll continue to heal until it’s no longer healing, but just my everyday living.

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