Consistency

I started working on my blog after having to drop it for a few months due to health issues. It seems I may have jumped the gun. Should I have waited until my health was more stable? Should I just toss the whole thing? I ask myself these questions all the time. But then I remember this is MY blog. This is my story. Wicca has given me a stillness and comfort I’ve never known. And while I kow people everywhere will raise their eyebrows, I honestly don’t care. The Goddess saved me in May, and no matter what problems or scrutiny I face, I know in my gut this is the right path for me.

I internally joke that I am a “bad pagan” because of my inconsistency. But that’s part of the beauty of Wicca. It is what you make of it. I was feeling too low for the Autumn Equinox, so instead of a ritual I drank hot cider and ate apple pie curled up next to my husband. It’s all about intent. I welcomed in the fall in the only way I was capable.

I’m giving myself the challenge of posting every week. At least one post per week, with two being the eventual goal. So please bear with me. I’m attempting to look at writing for this blog as self-care versus work. I enjoy writing and I love being a student of Wicca. It is good for my mental health, I just have to make myself put forth the effort in order to benefit.

Anja- “Third Eye” Chakra

Our Third Eye Chakra lies centered behind our eyebrows. Here is our imagination, intuition, wisdom, and intuition. Now that we are in our sixth chakra, we’ve entered into the more divine/spiritual side of our chakra system. There are tons of people out there who do not believe in a “Third Eye,” and yet probably just as many who do believe. Whether you want to call it the “Third Eye” or not, imagination and wisdom are ideas that most believe. Our Third Eye is the center for wisdom and imagination. It’s the things we individually “come up” with. Wisdom is that next step after learning. It is adaption and being able to apply what it is we’ve learned. When blocked, our Third Eye can cause lack of imagination, problems remembering our dreams, poor decision making, or even headaches. When overloaded we can also suffer from headaches, as well as trouble distinguishing dreams from reality, psychosis, and just having too much going on in your mind to function.

For awakening and aligning our Third Eye Chakra, I’ve turned to The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Chakras by Betsy Rippentrop and Eve Adamson:

AWAKENING THE CHAKRA

  1. Sit on the floor, legs crossed, seat firmly planted on the floor. Feel your pelvic bones and imagine roots anchoring those bones to the earth.
  2. Take several long, slow, deep breaths as you visualize your sixth chakra spinning slowly and glowing purple, open and healthy in your mind.
  3. Imagine your chakra radiating an purple circle of light that radiating in your head.
  4. Take a deep breath in and in a low resonating tone, say the word: Aum.
  5. Imagine the planet’s energy that ignites your sixth chakra, so that it glows gently as it spins.
  6. Imagine the warm, purple light flowing through your body in cool waves.

ALIGNING THE CHAKRA

  1. Stand in Mountain pose with your feet hip-width apart and your arms at your sides.
  2. Imagine the chakra, in your mind, spinning and growing warm. Feel your head warming.
  3. Picture a beam of purple light glowing up to your crown, filling your upper body with light and healing energy. Then, picture the light going from your third eye to your Root chakra, filling your lower body with the same light and healing energy.
  4. Lift your arms up and imagine the light glowing through you to the sky and the center of the earth.

HEALING THE BLOCKED CHAKRA

To heal a blocked chakra meditation is yet again the go-to. You can also try drawing or painting, attempt to keep track of your dreams in a journal, practice visualization, and get more purple in your life or environment.

HEALING THE OVERLOADED CHAKRA

To heal an overloaded chakra you need to work on being present. Take some time to focus on details of things in your vicinity. Less time spent daydreaming will do you a lot of good.

Vishuddha- “Throat” Chakra

The Throat chakra, being in the throat, is our center for communication.

For awakening and aligning our Throat chakra, I’ve turned to The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Chakras by Betsy Rippentrop and Eve Adamson:

AWAKENING THE CHAKRA

  1. Sit on the floor, legs crossed, seat firmly planted on the floor. Feel your pelvic bones and imagine roots anchoring those bones to the Earth.
  2. Take several long, slow, deep breaths as you visualize your fifth chakra spinning  slowly and glowing bright green, open and healthy in your throat.
  3. Imagine your chakra radiating an blue circle of light that radiating in your neck.
  4. Take a deep breath in and in a low resonating tone, say the word: Hang.
  5. Imagine the planet’s energy that ignites your fifth chakra, so that it glows gently as it spins.
  6. Imagine the warm, blue light flowing through your body in cool waves.

 

ALIGNING THE CHAKRA

  1. Stand in Mountain pose with your feet hip-width apart and your arms at your sides.
  2. Imagine the chakra, in your throat, spinning and growing warm. Feel your neck warming.
  3. Picture a beam of blue light glowing up to your crown, filling your upper body with light and healing energy. Then, picture the light going from your throat to your Root chakra, filling your lower body with  the same light and healing energy.
  4. Lift your arms up and imagine the light glowing through you to the sky and the center of the earth.

 

HEALING THE BLOCKED CHAKRA

To heal a blocked

HEALING THE OVERLOADED CHAKRA

 

Anahata- “Heart” Chakra

As the Heart chakra, this is obviously going to be centered on a loving type of energy. By a “loving” energy, I mean the love that creates a bond. It’s where we feel compassion and a sense of caring. Having a healthy heart chakra enables you to feel love and give it in return to others, as well  as yourself. It may sound corny, but it also provides a sort of healing. Yes, I am actually saying that love energy has the ability to heal. Before you start worrying if I vaccinate my children, I  do, hear me out. The mind is super powerful. Thoughts have an energy and power of their own that can influence our physical body. Now, combine that energy with love. Most people have felt an all encompassing love. Whether it was a “stupid kid love” or not, it truly affects your physical body. Heartbreaks are coined that because you can have literal pain in your chest caused by broken love. The power that can stem from a healthy heart chakra’s love and our power of thought can, in my opinion, provide healing for our physical bodies. I’m not saying it can cure anything. I’m suggesting that maybe we don’t have as many small problems going on where our Heart chakra is located. Instead of being tense and sore all the time, maybe we feel REAL relief in our chest and shoulders. Maybe we breathe easier because of how relaxed we are, deep inside. Health is so much more than just textbook diagnoses. It’s everything that can affect our physical body.

For awakening and aligning our Heart chakra, I’ve turned to The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Chakras by Betsy Rippentrop and Eve Adamson:

AWAKENING THE CHAKRA

  1. Sit on the floor, legs crossed, seat firmly planted on the floor. Feel your pelvic bones and imagine roots anchoring those bones to the Earth.
  2. Take several long, slow, deep breaths as you visualize your fourth chakra spinning  slowly and glowing bright green, open and healthy around your heart.
  3. Imagine your chakra radiating an green circle of light that fills your entire abdomen. Feel the light pulse outward from your spine to the front of your body, to your back, and our to each side. Feel it in your chest.
  4. Take a deep breath in and in a low resonating tone, say the word: Yang.
  5. Imagine the planet’s energy that ignites your fourth chakra, so that it glows gently as it spins.
  6. Imagine the warm, green light flowing through your body in cool waves.

 

ALIGNING THE CHAKRA

  1. Stand in Mountain pose with your feet hip-width apart and your arms at your sides.
  2. Imagine the chakra, right behind your  heart, spinning and growing warm. Feel your heart softening.
  3. Picture a beam of green light glowing up to your crown, filling your upper body with light and healing energy. Then, picture the light going from your heart to your Root chakra, filling your lower body with  the same light and healing energy.
  4. Lift your arms up and imagine the light glowing through you to the sky and the center of the earth.

 

HEALING THE BLOCKED CHAKRA

To heal a blocked Heart chakra, self-care is going to be priority one again. Which is no surprise when you think about it. It’s been an old cliche that you have to love yourself before you can love others. You have to have some amount of self-love in order to feel as if the ones you love deserve your love. It’s confusing, I know, but I stand by this. I have felt the full absence of self-love. I didn’t have it in me to love the ones I “should” love because I was void. When we’re void, we FEEL void. And that’s it. It’s “not right” to subject that to other people. But it can be found. The best way to take care and to love others is to start off loving ourselves. Take the thirty minutes you’d usually spend mindlessly on your phone, and go take a nap. Take a long hot shower/bath. You’re not missing out on anything, so take the time. Go ahead and reach for that “fancy” shirt instead of a t-shirt. It takes just as much time to pull on a nice shirt as it does a plain t-shirt, and the difference can impact your whole day.

 

HEALING THE OVERLOADED CHAKRA

While back in the Passion chakra, an overload meant you were all about yourself, this time an overloaded Heart chakra has the opposite effect. Here, you give too much of yourself to others. You’re using what little self-love you have to give your love to everyone but yourself. This can lead to depression and exhaustion. The self-care for an overloaded chakra, is simply saying, “No.” It’s not selfish. Take a break from helping others and recharge your batteries. Even just one little “no” can make a large impact in your mood. It may be just declining lunch with a friend so they can vent, but in that “no” you are choosing yourself, and you’re going to feel that difference.

Manipura- “Power” Chakra

Also known as the Power chakra, this chakra is all personality. It’s our willpower, our self-confidence. Housed in our solar plexus, the balance of this chakra is crucial. Too much of an overbalance can cause narcissism to surface. A blocked, or low, balance can lead to becoming the stereotypical “doormat.” Our personality IS the definition of who we are. Balancing this chakra will provide endless opportunities, and hopefully, prosperity. Imagine, the perfect balance of self-esteem and willpower, honed to make you an efficient, charismatic leader.

For awakening and aligning our Power chakra, I’ve turned to The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Chakras by Betsy Rippentrop and Eve Adamson:

AWAKENING THE CHAKRA

  1. Sit on the floor, legs crossed, seat firmly planted on the floor. Feel your pelvic bones and imagine roots anchoring those bones to the Earth.
  2. Take several long, slow, deep breaths as you visualize your bright yellow chakra spinning fast, open and healthy at the base of your spine.
  3. Imagine your chakra radiating a wide yellow beam of light from the base of your spine, down to the floor, into the Earth, and all the way to the center of the planet.
  4. Take a deep breath in and in a low resonating tone, say the word: Rang. Imagine the planet’s energy that ignites your third chakra, so that it glows gently as it spins.
  5. As you imagine your third chakra heating up, continue to connect to the center of the Earth and let yourself relax into a feeling of safety and security.

 

ALIGNING THE CHAKRA

  1. Stand with bare feet about a hip-width apart. Feel the soles of your feet against the ground. Imagine your feet rooting firmly into the ground, as if magnetized to the floor.
  2. Imagine your third chakra in your solar plexus and try to feel it spinning. Imagine a ray of light emanating down from your third chakra, into your second chakra, into your first, and on down through the floor. Then, imagine that same ray of light radiating upward, straight through the crown of your head, pulling all your other chakras in line with this central column of light.
  3. Lift your arms straight up overhead and imagine the yellow light pulsing up and down, reaching to the center of the Earth and all the way to the sky.

 

 

HEALING THE BLOCKED CHAKRA

When blocked, your opinion of yourself is at a low. You’re sluggish, fatigued, with low energy and a low appetite. You hold zero power over yourself or others. Personality-wise, this makes for an individual known for their inability to follow through on projects or promises. Along with their unreliability, they may even go so far as to have a victim mentality. Everything is everyone else’s fault, not their own. To help with this blockage, turn to heat. Manipura is the “fire in your belly.” Avoid cold foods and liquids, instead lean towards hot teas and saunas and stir up that inner fire. Incorporate yellow into your environment. Eat yellow foods, wear bright yellow clothes. You’re off balance, so adding the elements of this chakra can help tip the scales towards a healthy balance.

 

HEALING THE OVERLOADED CHAKRA

When in excess, stress of any kind can make the unbalanced scale fall even more. Along with narcissism and a strong sense to maintain control, you get other physical manifestations of this overload. Ulcers, hypertension, and even addiction to exercise can result from an overloaded Power chakra. As for others, they’ll be victim to your anger issues, obsession with power, and inability to compromise. To help tip the scale towards being a nicer-person-to-be-around, try deep breathing and other relaxation methods, to help slow down the rush of this power coursing through you.

Svadhisthana- “Passion” Chakra

  • Emotions and Sex

The Passion chakra deals with our emotions and sexual self. A person who has a healthy Passion chakra manages their emotions in a way that they are able to feel without being overtaken. Able to see emotions as a PIECE of themselves, and not the whole. That is super tricky. Emotions are addicting. We all have the potential to allow ourselves to be enveloped by certain emotions, a healthy chakra can provide the balance needed to save ourselves from being overwhelmed. Those emotions spread over into our relationships as well. The love you feel for those closest to you stems from this chakra, the Passion chakra.

There has been a lot of research I’ve read associating this chakra with the love a parent has for their children. At first I was a bit horrified. The previous research had focused on sexual desire for this chakra. But in hindsight, both make since. Of course the genitals provide for sexual and intimate desires, but so does the love you have for your children. That love is different from any other love, at least to me. When I think of the love I have for my kids, there is that instinct to hold my lower belly. My children were created there, grew there, were birthed from there. So yes, I do see the connection. And I imagine it could be the same for men. It was their sperm that sparked that little creation, so the ties are drawn to the men’s genital area as well.

Then we have the obvious issue that is sex. It’s called the Passion chakra for good reason. And although that passion could extend to something artistic, such as writing or anything else creative, it also zeroes in on the sexual passion as well. Sexual desire starts here, whether we are single or not. If overloaded, you can be ruled by this passion. Addicted to the sex and the passion. If blocked, you may find it difficult to get aroused or experience an orgasm.

For awakening and aligning our Passion chakra, I’ve turned to The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Chakras by Betsy Rippentrop and Eve Adamson:

AWAKENING THE CHAKRA

  1. Sit on the floor, legs crossed, seat firmly planted on the floor. Feel your pelvic bones and imagine roots anchoring those bones to the Earth.
  2. Take several long, slow, deep breaths as you visualize your second chakra spinning  slowly and glowing bright orange, open and healthy just below your belly button.
  3. Imagine your chakra radiating an orange circle of watery light that fills your entire abdomen. Feel the light pulse outward from your spine to the front of your body, to your back, and our to each side. Feel it in your hips and genitals.
  4. Take a deep breath in and in a low resonating tone, say the word: Vang, holding the “A” sound, (rhymes with “song”). Imagine the planet’s energy that ignites your second chakra, so that it glows gently as it spins.
  5. Imagine the warm, orange,watery light flowing through your body in cool waves.

 

ALIGNING THE CHAKRA

  1. Immerse yourself in water. Either a tub or out in nature.
  2. Sitting or standing in the water so that it at least comes up to your waist, try to feel your second chakra spinning just below your belly button. Imagine an orange light emanating down to your first chakra, then picture them joining to shoot a red and orange light down to the ground. Then, imagine the orange light from your second chakra spreading upwards and through you other chakras, helping to align them as well.
  3. Lift your arms straight up overhead and feel the orange light pulsing up and down, reaching to the center of the Earth and all the way to the sky.

 

 

HEALING THE BLOCKED CHAKRA

Water is the element here, so treatment involving clear, pure water works wonders! Drinking a lot of water, or swimming in an open body of water can be very therapeutic. Go out of your way to participate in activities you know you will enjoy. Hug someone who is emotionally open, and who honestly cares about your well being. Spend quality time with those who are close to you.

 

HEALING THE OVERLOADED CHAKRA

To help with an overloaded chakra, try coming up with a daily routine, especially when it comes to eating, hygiene, and sleep. Set limits for yourself, and have someone reliable hold you accountable. Take some time to spend alone and focus on your inner strength. Grounding exercises would be good to help seek some balance.

Muladhara- “Root” Chakra

  • The Big Three S’s:
    1. Security
    2. Safety
    3. Survival

Beginning in our childhood, the three “S’s” are the top priorities in our day to day life. If you were blessed to be raised by parents/guardians who provided a safe and secure environment, then you will be more likely to already have a balanced Root Chakra. When raised in such an environment, people feel safe and secure in the environment, but also with themselves. The lack of stress associated with the three “S’s” creates an individual who is grounded. They feel at ease in their physical self, and maintain proper self-care. These individuals are also more likely to be a contributing member of society, empathetic, good at handling money and finances, and have established healthy boundaries with those in their lives.

For awakening and aligning our Root chakra, I’ve turned to The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Chakras by Betsy Rippentrop and Eve Adamson:

AWAKENING THE CHAKRA

  1. Sit on the floor, legs crossed, seat firmly planted on the floor. Feel your pelvic bones and imagine roots anchoring those bones to the Earth.
  2. Take several long, slow, deep breaths as you visualize your deep red chakra spinning fast, open and healthy at the base of your spine.
  3. Imagine your chakra radiating a wide red beam of light from the base of your spine, down to the floor, into the Earth, and all the way to the center of the planet.
  4. Take a deep breath in and in a low resonating tone, say the word: Lang, holding the “A” sound, (rhymes with “song”). Imagine the planet’s energy that ignites your first chakra, so that it glows gently as it spins.
  5. As you imagine your first chakra heating up, continue to connect to the center of the Earth and let yourself relax into a feeling of safety and security.

 

ALIGNING THE CHAKRA

  1. Stand with bare feet about a hip-width apart. Feel the soles of your feet against the ground. Imagine your feet rooting firmly into the ground, as if magnetized to the floor.
  2. Imagine your first chakra at the base of your spine and try to feel it spinning. Imagine a ray of light emanating down from your first chakra, through the floor. Then, imagine that same ray of light radiating upward, straight through the crown of your head, pulling all your other chakras in line with this central column of light.
  3. Lift your arms straight up overhead and imagine the red light pulsing up and down, reaching to the center of the Earth and all the way to the sky.

 

 

HEALING THE BLOCKED CHAKRA

Healing this chakra centers around self-care. That is much easier said than done. When the Root chakra is blocked, your self-care center is what gets hit. Psychological problems that may or may not have stemmed from some sort of abuse or trauma has led to this block. Financial struggles in childhood can also affect this chakra into adulthood. While blocked, you could suffer from alcoholism or other addictions, anxiety, become detached from your surroundings and people around you, and you may get sick often. When you feel all of this, self-care is going to be the last thing on your mind. So, start off small. Go for a walk. If that is too much, start out just stepping outside barefoot. Focus on your feet on the ground, let the different textures ground you to the Earth. Do this until you CAN take that walk. Take an extra minute in the shower to relax, splurge and get a massage. Just sleep. Sleep is a tremendous help to me. Really want to catch up on a show, or read before bed? Don’t. Go to sleep. Get that extra sleep. Little bits of self-care can amount to a lot of relief down the road.

 

HEALING THE OVERLOADED CHAKRA

Growing up in an overly strict or rigid household leads to having an excessive Root chakra. This leaves little to no room for spontaneity. On the other hand, being too lax doesn’t provide much security either. Control is what we’re battling here. Some make exercise their life, while others seek security in food. In order to heal an overload, we need to drain away some of the excess energy. Yoga and stretching can produce enormous benefits. Center yourself through yoga and meditation poses. This is a healthy way to channel the energy, without draining all your energy for the day.

 

Chakras Dumbed-Down

Chakras have been very popular over the last few years, yet how much does the average person know about them? Before researching, I knew there were seven chakras that ran down the middle of our body, and supposedly did stuff for our health. Basically, I was the eye-rolling, dismissive type. But as chakras kept being mentioned in some of my meditation books, I decided to delve down deeper into the “stuff” that chakras are meant for.

The purpose of my research into meditation, is to learn how to process my emotions and moods. As a Bipolar 2 sufferer, I am constantly ruled by my moods. And while I love the bi-annual pharmaceutical cocktail rearrangement, I’m hoping to be able to use meditation to get a better handle on my moods. Maybe even change them.

If anyone is interested in beginning research on chakras, here’s my dumbed-down summaries:

First Chakra “Muladhara”- The Root Chakra

Element: Earth

Color: Red

Sound: Lang

Location: Base of spine

Health Issues: Blocked chakra can lead to constantly being sick, insomnia, anorexia, constipation, hip pain, insecurity, anxiety, or inability to focus. Overloaded chakra can lead to obesity, overeating, addictions, fatigue, greed, hoarding, becoming a workaholic.

Therapy: Eating high protein and root diet, getting the correct amount of sleep, massages, exercise, and yoga.

Summary: Focuses on Survival, Security, and Safety. When this chakra is balanced, you feel grounded, and connected to the Earth. You are comfortable in your own body, feel safe, physically healthy and financially secure. When blocked, you feel shifty, unable to settle or find where you feel you belong. If overloaded, you can seem sluggish and a hermit. You only feel secure huddled up in your home, alone.

Second Chakra “Svadhisthana”- Passion Chakra

Element: Water

Color: Orange

Sound: Vang

Location: Just below belly button and radiates in and around the abdomen and genitals

Health issues: Blocked chakra can lead to infertility, irregular periods, sexual arousal disorders, bladder infections, kidney stones, lower back pain, “writer’s block,” commitment issues, resistant to change, fear of intimacy.

Therapy: Seek professional help for addictions and relationships, pursuing your creativity, yoga, and spending time with family and friends.

Summary: Focuses on sex and emotions. When this chakra is balanced you are comfortable with your emotions, your creativity flows, and you have a healthy sex life. When blocked, you appear cold and unfeeling to others, deal with depression and frustration, and gyno/prostrate problems. When too open you tend to be ruled by your emotions and addicted to sex.

Third Chakra “Manipura”- Power Chakra

Element: Fire

Color: Bright yellow

Sound: Rang

Location: Solar Plexus

Health Issues: Blocked chakras could lead to low energy, low appetite, chronic fatigue, diabetes, poor liver function, low self-esteem, and stiff muscles. Overloaded chakras can lead to hypertension, stress, addiction to exercise, constant hunger, anger and control issues, narcissism.

Therapy: Yoga, deep relaxation, run, or highlight the color yellow in your life.

Summary: Focuses on confidence. When blocked, you tend to feel powerless and have digestive problems. When too open you give too much of yourself away, allow your emotions and empathy to rule you.

Fourth Chakra “Anahata”- Heart Chakra

Element: Air

Color: Green

Sound: Yang

Location: Behind your hear

Health Issues: Blocked chakras could lead to heart problems, lung problems, depression, immune suppression, frequently withdraw from relationships, intolerance, and lack of empathy. When too open you could suffer from an enlarged heart, low blood pressure, exhaustion, breast problems, burn-out, codependency, and self-neglect.

Therapy: Self-care, yoga, meditation, take the time share your love with other people or animals

Summary: Focuses on the balance between spiritual and physical self. When blocked you find it hard to be “loving.” When in excess you can give too much of your self away to others.

Fifth Chakra “Vishuddha”- Throat Chakra

Element: Ether

Color: Blue

Sound: Hang

Location: Throat

Health Issues: Blocked chakras could lead to hypothyroidism, lump in throat, sore throat, hearing loss, tone deafness, problems with self-expression, fear of public speaking, inability to say what you mean, or taking things too literally. When overloaded, hyperthyroidism, vocal nodes, talking too much or too loudly, speaking before you think, interrupting others, or speaking without regard to other’s emotions.

Therapy: Mantra meditation, singing, speaking in front of others, or raising your voice helps with a blocked chakra. Going without speaking for a short period of time, keeping a journal, and lowering your voice can help with an overloaded chakra.

Summary: Focuses on creative expression and inner voice. When blocked you can have a hard time communicating with others. When too open you tend to talk more than you listen to others.

Sixth Chakra “Ajna”- Third Eye Chakra

Element: Light

Color: Purple

Sound: Aum

Location: Between eyebrows

Health Issues: Blocked chakra can present headaches, nasal congestion, night blindness, lack of imagination, lack of intuition, or sociopathic behavior. Overloaded chakra can present headaches, hallucinations, a feeling of disconnection from reality, psychosis, or trouble distinguishing dreams from reality.

Therapy: Work on being in the moment, focus on your environment versus what’s going on in your mind, and spend less time daydreaming. 

Summary: Focuses on intuition. When this chakra is closed you ignore your instincts, instead of following them. When too open you tend to overthink everything.

Seventh Chakra “Sahasrara”- Crown Chakra

Color: White

Location: Brain

Health Issues: Feelings of isolation, depression, lack of motivation or inspiration, spiritual crisis, headaches, obsession with religion, nervous breakdowns, dissociation, or feeling ungrounded.

Therapy: Meditation, prayer, therapy, or balancing all of your chakras.

Summary: Focuses on enlightenment. When blocked you have little to no interest in spirituality. If in excess, you’re tempted to lead a solitary life in search of greater enlightenment.

 

I’m Coming Back

It’s been… I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve faced the hardest year of my life, and even now I feel like each day is a fight to just stay conscious. My health has deteriorated, my relationships have suffered, and my family has been pushed to the limit. But I’m here. My family is here by my side and each morning is another day I get to try and thrive. Last year my goal each day was to to survive the day, nothing more. There were days when that almost didn’t happen, but now my goal is to thrive each day. To DO something. Make my girls laugh, share a romantic smile with my husband, play with the dog, leave the house, all of these are a decision I have to convince myself to do. To thrive is to ignore the pull to my bed, to pretend the voices aren’t bashing what little self image I have left. This struggle has changed my views on nearly every facet of my life. My role as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, patient, and etc have all been changed. They continue to change everyday. There are a lot of people who have helped me through all of this, and they’ve had to learn to handle and understand more than I thought anyone would ever be capable of. It’s a learning experience, and in it I’m learning there’s a whole hell of a lot more to me than I once thought. When I pray, I pray for the strength to recognize my strength. And it’s been working. Through The Mother I can sit back and see all that I do for my children, and see the strength it takes. I can step back and watch my interactions with my husband and see how much lighter and fun they are. And I can see the strength in that. I can see the strength and what it cost to put this blog aside for so long. My mind always wandered back to it. I felt like I was neglecting a part of myself. This journey to the Goddess is very important to me, and writing has always been the easiest way for me to express the multitude of emotions inside me. But instead of staying up late blogging, I went to bed early for sleep I knew I needed. I took the time to heal, and then gave myself a chance to start my studies up again. It’s not a lot, but it’s a beginning. And the mere fact that I am at my computer, once again, typing a post, makes me more happy than I’ve been in a long time. The Goddess saved my life this past year, and through my studies and writing I plan on continuing the healing. I’ll continue to heal until it’s no longer healing, but just my everyday living.

A Low, A Stream, and Some Tears

I’ve been low. Lower than I have been in years. It’s not uncommon with Bipolar disorder. You have your highs, and you have your lows. Both have cost me. A lot. But this time, I had an amazing support system that was in place to help me push through. When I didn’t have children, it was too easy to never leave the bed during a low. I didn’t have that option this time. I was up by six-thirty each morning to feed and take care of my daughters. I work evenings, and recently have been working every evening until ten or later. Which means I get to bed by eleven at the earliest, only to wake up in the middle of the night for the littlest, and then for good at six-thirty. Sleep is the best remedy for a low, but that was not an option this time. A mom can’t stay in bed. She can’t cover her head with the covers, curl into a ball, and wish she were dead. I couldn’t do that no matter how much I wanted to.

After a week of this low, I turned to my Goddess. I cast my circle, turned on some relaxing music, and meditated. Nothing else was helping, so I gave my mental health over to Her and prayed for help. I chose the Element of Water to help me on my journey. With my fingertips in my blessed moon water, I closed my eyes and envisioned a stream. I asked for help. I asked for inner peace, so that I could finally feel like myself again.

And she responded. I was taken to the stream I envisioned. I could feel the water around me as I floated on my back. I could feel it and hear the difference as the water covered my ears. And then she came. She was water. Her outline was clear, yet she was made entirely of the water from the stream. She came up beside me, and I knew instantly that it was her. All I could do was cry. Tears poured down my face as she embraced me. She held me to her as I sobbed and we drifted downstream. We went down a waterfall, with me lying on her. I held my hand out and felt the water pass through my fingers. I don’t know how long it lasted, it felt like hours. The most relaxing hours I have ever had. My muscles served no purpose, so they did nothing to hold me above the water. It was all Her. I called out her name in sobs and clung to her as best I could.

As I came out of the vision, I could feel how wet my face and lap was. I reached up with an unsteady hand and felt the tears on my face. I don’t know just how much I cried, or if I was sobbing aloud in my living room, as I was in the stream. But I felt different. Shaky, but more myself than I’d felt in a long time. I closed my circle, cleaned up, and went to bed. I had no dreams that night. Nor did my kids wake me up. I got a full night’s sleep. She knew. She knew what I needed, and now that I had finally asked for help, she was there looking out for me. The next morning it didn’t hurt as much getting out of bed. It didn’t take as much mental strain to smile at my girls.

I wasn’t cured, I wasn’t even out of my low yet. But I was better.